Jessi Thinks

Moving On.

I have recently decided not to renew my registration for my civilian career.

Just like many other professions, my qualification requires me to maintain a certain number of hours of professional development annually in order to be registered under the registering board.

Up until a few days ago I had a full intention of retaining the qualification, and was studying to meet the required hours. Then, I started getting quite flustered and annoyed by my own obsession to preserve something that brings no joy, excitement or fulfilment to my life any more.

I asked myself -

“Why the fuck am I doing this?” 

I have always been a firm believer that it is good to have options in life because you never know when your life is going to strip you naked and push you into the corner, leaving you in absolute despair. But imagine this; if I knew how to do Krav Maga, that bitchy life will look less scary to me. Options protect you from unforeseen circumstances and prepares you for the worst in life.

But has it ever occurred to you that the options in your life can also limit your capacity or potentials because you don’t need to think outside of the box? Like you know it will always be there for you, so you don’t feel the need to explore what other options are out there (better or worse).

I was just on my way to Officeworks to print out a document that the board requires me to fill out to ensure that I know what the hell I am doing. Out of the blue it stoke me that my situation strikingly resembles one of those long-awaited break-ups that you have been dragging on and on and on forever.

Being in my mid 20’s, of course I have been in relationships in the past, but I secretly prided in myself for not having been in one of those lacking and enduring relationships like many people around me seem to be in out of desperation, societal/family pressures and etc.

But then BAM! And WOW, that was a shocker. I actually had a dizzy spell in the middle of the street.

This new realisation got me think more deeply about what I am about to move on from. And tears started welling up in my eyes even to my own surprise. I felt sad and devastated by the fact that it is about time for me to let it go. Something that has shaped who I am and that has been the stepping stone of my life. I felt like I had not been appreciative enough for the opportunities it provided. I felt guilt and shame for my own ungratefulness. 

It was never just a job.

  • It was my second identity, and still is to my personal acquaintances.

  • It supplied me with financial affordability to be able to move out of a shared flat where I got unfairly accused of stealing clothes of a South American woman. FYI, that bitch had a hip size of Korean Demilitarised Zone and questionable fashion sense. 

  • It provided me with such empowerment that I could basically tell the sleazy Australian men to fuck off (with my broken English then -  tbh it would’ve been more like “no, shank you. I not won what you sad”. ) when they tried to allure me with more stable visa. Because I knew I would get that independently after attainting my degree.

  • It taught me to be resilient and persevere for my goals by exposing me to countless rejections from many employers who thought I wasn’t experienced enough, too young or  just for being a foreigner.

  • The patience it forced me to learn; it was a hard one and still is to this day.

  • It has taught me to be grounded and stay in touch with reality when I started losing it upon beginning my escorting journey.

  • It has given me a certain social status because it is a respected field (I think!); plus being an Asian woman with ESL background, people just presume I have above average intelligence as soon as I tell them what I do for work. It is awesome.

  • I have earned enormous respect and admiration from my family for having gained the qualification in a foreign country that I never even visited previously.

Despite everything it has done for me, I knew I had to let it go and move on. It has served very well in my life, but I don’t know exactly when; my passion and love for it started dwindling. The job eventually clouded the outlook on my life and made me feel quite trapped. 

It’s like the lacking, much invested relationship that you feel obligated to remain loyal to despite of its obvious influence in hindering your personal growth, happiness and fulfilment and in ever expanding void in your heart as a result.

It is an extremely difficult decision to make when you have invested in something for so long so much that has become your second identity and that tags alongside you wherever you go; but you suddenly find yourself not wanting it anymore.

It makes you feel selfish, unappreciative and frankly like a bitch. 

But I was certain about my deliberation and ready to make the cold call. Was I worried or feared about ever regretting to make that decision? Absolutely not. My heart just ached quite a lot.

Every day is another day where you have to make a decision for something that it may or may not direct your life to the paths you are aiming. One thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to live my life doing something that I find no joy. Joy, not in hedonistic sense that I urge to feed the rapidly dissipating pleasure with yet another stronger pleasure; but in knowing that I am living my life as best as I can, not waiting the day to go by.

Rejections don’t hurt me. Challenges don’t scare me. But the thought of living a life where I feel as though I am compromising my life for transient causes terrifies me.

On the night I signed the document, I had one of the best and longest sleeps I had in months.

I honestly feel so freed and in control of my own life.

And I am so thrilled to start something new from the bottom. And no, not your bottom! Xxx

Thanks for reading.